The week after a PPV is normally the least interesting, since the feuds for the upcoming PPV need to be established. This week is no different, so today’s Federation Update will be rather short. You can thank me later.
RAW ANNOUNCES TOP-NOTCH MAIN EVENT AT NO MERCY
I’m excited: Jericho vs Michaels in a ladder match. We get another month of the finest feud in wrestling history, capped off with wrestling’s most exciting match. There’s no way I’ll miss this. I have no commentary beyond that — I’m just stoked.
I will mention one thing about tonight’s “who’s the #1 contender?” pissing contest. I’m glad to see Santino and Beth Phoenix insert themselves among the main-eventers. They never should break that ceiling, but it’s nice to see them act as comic relief to JBL’s and Batista’s angry-dumb-guy nonsense.
SMACKDOWN ANNOUNCES BOTTOM-NOTCH CHAMPIONSHIP AT NO MERCY
Come on, two faces up against each other at the PPV? Will Hardy and HHH try to out-respect each other? The competitive insults aren’t bad on Triple H’s side, but Hardy simply isn’t a compelling foil for him. Remember, I’m a Jeff Hardy apologist — in spite of his weaknesses, I still enjoy watching him wrestle. I’m just not excited to see him lose to HHH at No Mercy, then grimly salute him and the crowd for giving him such a great opportunity. Then everyone will cheer Jeff Hardy for giving such a gritty performance in his losing effort. Blah, blah, blah.
BIG SHOW EXPLAINS HIMSELF, DOESN’T REALLY EXPLAIN ANYTHING
So, after interfering with matches and generally acting out because of Vickie Guerrero’s “oversights”, Big Show allies with Vickie because he suddenly realizes that rules are rules? Whatever — if this complete disregard for character development gives us an entertaining match with the Undertaker, I’ll be happy. Big men rarely make for exciting wrestlers, but if anyone can share a ring and make it fun, it’s those two.
KENNY DYKSTRA STILL DON’T GET NO RESPECT
…and for good reason. First off, he should know that you don’t mess with Festus (yes, I just wanted to say that). Fact is, Kenny’s nothing more than the boring, brash, young wrestler who’s all talk. That’s every young jobber in history, and he’s not really adding anything to it. He’s not half the jobber that Charlie Haas is.
Speaking of Haas, nice job as good ol’ JR… I mean JH. It wasn’t quite as inspired as his JBL, but lightning can’t strike every week.
IS KOZLOV FINALLY MAKING A PUSH?
He’s still mashing jobbers, and still demanding a challenge. I think it was a little overdue for Kozlov to interfere with the main-eventers. It’ll be interesting to see what they do with him. He’ll lose his streak at some point, but I hope he stays fearsome and Lundgrenesque.
EVAN BOURNE JOINS FORCES WITH MYSTERIO
This is probably the most obvious tag-pairing that doesn’t involve familial relations, but I still like it. I’ve long held that Mysterio is fun and believable only in small doses, and only with a good amount of backup. Thus, he’d be as perfect for tag matches as Jeff Hardy was. I hope that pairing him with Evan Bourne is more than a month-long story arc because the WWE could use an exciting pair of high-flyers to shake things up. That’ll be cool, and not just because it would mean that Mysterio’s feud with Kane will have run its course.
CARLITO AND PRIMO FORM MOST UNFORTUNATELY NAMED TAG TEAM EVER
Meet the Colons. If this were early, super-gimmicky WWF, one of their finishers would be called the Enema. You know it’s true.
If I learned nothing from studying the great Daniel Webster, it’s that you should always end with a poop joke.