It’s high time for a WWE update. This shall include Unforgiven and RAW (with occasional nods to the previous Smackdown). I did not watch Unforgiven, as my plans are only to purchase the Big Four pay-per-views. Perhaps if we start getting a loyal readership, we can start begging for donations so we can afford to watch all the PPVs. Until then, a half-assed summary will have to do.
TOP STORY: JERICHO REWARDED FOR OUTSTANDING HEEL WORK
In a surprise that only scripted sports can offer, Jericho won the RAW Championship Scramble, even though he wasn’t on the card until mid-broadcast. Vince found a way for poor, sad CM Punk to lose his belt without having to lose too much face, while simultaneously building the obvious Orton/Punk feud. This really was the best of all possible worlds.
When I heard the news that Jericho was the new champ on RAW, I became giddy. I’m still a little giddy because there’s not much better than a believable heel as champ, and there’s no better heel today than Chris Jericho. It’s too early to say, but in my book, he’s close to Vince McMahon as the greatest heel of all time. Y2J just needs to keep it up for, oh, a decade or so.
In his post-Unforgiven speech to open RAW, Jericho continued to build heat, even though the feud with HBK is effectively over. He still insists that he is the good, honest, righteous man and that the crowd has no morals or intelligence. I realize that this is a common trope among heels, but Y2J keeps underplaying it so well that all I can do is gush repeatedly in my Federation Updates.
DARRELL WRONG ON NEARLY EVERY PREDICTION
The only ones I got right were those I considered obvious — Matt Hardy would become ECW champ and Michaels would beat Jericho. Otherwise, I was dead wrong all around. My surprise pick was way wrong, as HHH retained (though there were a few glorious moments with Kendrick as champ), and my hopes of a Cryme Tyme title reign were dashed. Ah well… at least I didn’t have money on it.
BIG SHOW HELPS VICKIE GUERRERO FOR SOME REASON
I’ll reserve complete judgment until I see replays and the follow-up on SmackDown, but it seems like this little twist came for no reason at all. Show hates Vickie for ignoring him, and has no immediate beef with Taker. So why would he save Vickie from the bowels of hell? I hate it when characters act in apparent opposition to their natures — if you want us to care about the characters, at least try to make them consistent. Meh, at least a Taker/Show feud has the potential to be interesting. I just wonder how/if Edge will be involved when he returns.
CHARLIE HAAS STILL ENTERTAINING AS SILLY JOBBER
This week, Haas was JBL and actually got a win simply because Haas’s impersonation hurt Bradshaw’s little feelings. So let’s count: we’ve seen Carlito, Cena, and now JBL. I’m guessing the next Haas persona will be The Rock. A friend of mine predicted, somewhat hopefully, that he’ll soon dress up as Doink. In a perfect world…
RANDY ORTON PROVING HIMSELF USEFUL FOR ONCE
I’m actually buying into Orton’s plotline. There’s a believable reason for him to resent Punk, I can understand why he’d want the Priceless/Twink Connection on his side, and I respect that he threw them away once it appeared that they wanted Orton’s approval. He’s turning into a solid egomaniacal heel. I can’t believe I just wrote that about meatheaded Orton.
RAW GIVES US A DAMN GOOD ECW TAG MATCH
Who else loved the match between Miz/Morrison and Mysterio/Bourne? It was high-energy and fun to watch the whole time. I’m also liking Evan Bourne in the ring — he’s super athletic and can sell pretty much any maneuver. Now all he needs is a single character trait. At the moment, he’s just Generic High-Energy Wrestler and that character tends to be forgotten quickly.
CANADIAN PRONUNCIATION ALERT
Two CPAs from Jericho on this week’s RAW:
#1: “Shawn Michaels likes to talk aboat turning the other cheek…”
#2: “Batista was so close to winning … but I oatsmarted him…”
WOMEN’S FEUDS STILL UNINTERESTING
…but Candice was looking pretty damn good on RAW. Meanwhile, Maria wore a comparatively unflattering top. As far as my tastes go, this means that my world is upside-down.
I’m glad that Beth Phoenix retained, but she needs a good foil. Maybe Gail Kim wants in.
And, no, I won’t mention that Brie Bella defeated Victoria again, and just as unconvincingly as last week. I choose to remain silent and shake my head in confusion and disgust.
HONK-A-METER CLIMBS TO FOUR
Nothing too interesting from Santino this week; he was as amusing as always, but nothing outrageous happened.
REGAL CONTINUES PUBLIC HUMILIATION
He must have been caught with a LOT of steroids, because nobody deserves to be part of an uninspired unrequited-love plot involving Jamie Fargin’ Noble. In fact, I can come up with a less humiliating angle: William Regal has a month-long feud with Super Crazy about whose homeland has the better cuisine. It culminates with a mid-card bout on ECW in which burritos and fried fish are legal weapons. That’s not too humiliating, right?
JERICHO CONCLUDES RAW BROADCAST BY POSING LIKE TEEN HEARTTHROB
He smiled and held that belt to his face like it was a kitten. He came dangerously close to nuzzling his title as Batista stared from a distance.
WWE PRETENDS TO CARE ABOUT VOTING
…and it will work exactly as well as Rock the Vote. Face it, America — this country is ruled by the elderly because they’re the ones who bother to vote. The only thing we young’ns can do is start poisoning cans of Ensure.