Hello, fellow rasslin’ fans. It’s been awhile since I’ve spoken to all of you; for that, I’m sorry. Since this is the week of Wrestlemania XXVI, I felt I had to break my silence and take part in the great wonderland of blogging about pro wrestling.
Specifically, what drew me out of the network of caves and tunnels I call home was a post I happened upon on Craigslist:
When I saw that listing, I decided that I couldn’t pass it up. Why? First of all, I stupidly neglected to get Wrestlemania tickets of my own. Yes, I know, I live in Phoenix and I have no excuse. Stop badgering me. Secondly, I consider myself a student of the sport of wrestling, so I think I’ll be ready for whatever combat style this weirdo might have. I’m smart, flexible, and I don’t cotton to nonsense. And finally, I have an extra ten grand kicking around from a recent inheritance, so if I somehow lose the match, it won’t be a huge loss. I can pay off student loans later; this is important.
So, mystery Craigslist poster, I’m calling you out. I’m throwing my hat, my jock, and my money into the ring. I just need to know a few things first. For instance, are you for real? I’d hate to do all my stretching, strap on a singlet, and oil myself up only to find out that this was an elaborate plan to have sex with me. This being Craigslist, you’re going to have to prove that sex-offending isn’t one of your motives.
Perhaps an even better question to you, sir, would be about the tickets themselves. How did you get them, and why are you so willing to part with them? Are informal wrestling matches so hard to arrange that you have to offer valuable prizes to find any takers? Did everyone back out of your wrestling club because you took it too seriously? I envision a long-time friend taking you aside and saying, “Look Lenny [I decided your name should be Lenny in this scenario], we’re grown men. I just had a hernia operation and can’t practice suplexes with you anymore. Personally, I got tired of it by high school. We’re worried about you, Lenny, and if you keep this up, you’ll have to find a new group of friends.”
At the moment, it appears that you’re either a sex offender, or you’ve recently lost all your friends. Are either of these good assumptions on my part? Regardless, I await your response, O masked clown. Feel free to comment on this post or email me directly. Consider the gauntlet thrown.